Monday, February 25, 2013

Finding the I in me

Lately I've been thinking long and hard when it comes to relationships, marriage, and all that jazz and I came to the conclusion that the world really thinks that women are super women. Let me share my thoughts behind that statement.

My closest friend just had a child with a man and he abandoned her. This was her first child and he spoke of marriage and how he wanted to marry her. It wasn't traditional to her to get pregnant first but she took the bull by the horns and they both decided that they would get married after the baby was born. Some other issues arised and he abandoned her when she was around 5 months pregnant and spoke after the baby was born about reconciling. Just having a new baby she saw the red flags and declined his offer to find out just last month this man is married. No one would take that information lightly and this was devastating to her as it would be anyone who just had a child by a man who spoke about marriage to them.

In helping her cope with her new baby and finding out he was married I started asking myself a lot of questions when it pertained marriage and relationships.

I too have 2 children. My oldest child is 13 and my youngest is a little over a year old. Speaking from someone who has 13 years of experience in mothering; I can say mothering isn't easy. Especially when you are a single parent. I don't think any woman signs up to be single parents and most single parents share similar stories. At one time in our life marriage was spoke of and we believed the other person who was feeding us lies and deception. Without using our better judgement we became pregnant first before getting married. I like many women were deceived by words vs. actions. It doesn't make us bad it just makes us naive to the fact that people are looking to sell you something and its up to us to buy into it or not. I considered myself very naive considering I had my child at 17 and the same type of guy I liked at 17 I didn't even date at 21.

Now for the present. I am 31 with a one year old and speaking from experience I believe that mothering is much more difficult at this age that when I was 17. Why do I say that? Because I don't have the umph that I had when I was younger now that I'm older. My situation is a little different when it comes to my little one and I plan on sharing that story a little later but I can say that mothering isn't easy.

I look at my current situation now and ask myself..... Self where in the world would you have time for a significant other or even husband. The grim truth is I don't. Let me share the reason I make this honest statement.

I serve God first, then my children, then my obligations, then me. I am last in the hierarchy. I really pride myself in being the best mother that I can possibly be. With my child being 13 she still has to ask me to go outside to play with her friends because I refuse to let her loose. There are so many things that go on in the world I need to know where my children are at all times. Now my little one, he is usually on my hip or playing with my dog so I know where he is because we are so attached at the hip and that is due to his age.

Being a mother is very hard work and I came to the realization that we are people pleasers. We have to please our employers to stay employed, we have to be the rock for our children, we have to take care of our house holds, and we have to do what we have to. I ask the question to every woman with child....... How many times and hours a day do you do something that pleases you? I found the truth to be next to 0.

Women are not super beings. We are emotional and most women have a sense of helping and serving. If you are married that brings forth so much more and God bless the married women. I have thought long and hard and looked at married relationships and I can honestly say I wouldn't want to be married.

From what I have personally witnessed married women have it harder than single women do. Let me share some things that married women face.

  • Married - (The approach most women seek). Women have to please their husbands and in my opinion that is very taxing. Let me share my though behind this statement. Lets say that you met your husband and you are 120 lbs and you look great at 120 lbs then life kicked in. You had a baby and as a woman its hard to lose the weight that you carried but it is definitely doable.  You have to be a mother to a new child and that is very emotional and rewarding. You have to please your employer so you have a sense of job security. You have to please your husband and keep things spiced up in hopes that he doesn't have a wondering eye. (Sorry ladies its the honest truth and many don't want to believe that married men have wondering eyes but they do.) In pleasing your husband, being a mother, and pleasing your employer or your company, you lack time in pleasing yourself.
I don't think that people think about all the aspects of marriage because the world has conditioned our minds to believe that this needs to happen in order to have a good life. I beg to differ. I've seen my own father who was married to my mother up and leave his family and start a new family a year later. Unfortunately this happens more often than not.

  • Single- (The safe approach.) Some women like myself choose not to deal with relationships due to various reasons. I speak in first person and I can honestly say that the men that I have attracted or who have liked weren't the best for me. I decided not to date for safety reasons. Its easier to be by yourself vs. being with someone else. We live in a day and age that when opening yourself up to someone that opens a can of worms that you sometimes don't see coming. Being a woman we think with our heart and often times don't let our mind do its job. I find that being in my 30's in very liberating and I believe that women really find out who they are in their 30's. We are living in a day and age that women are becoming successful by themselves and some men find this intimidating. I used to say why do I need a man and where is the benefit? How can a man add to your life when you have everything that you could ask for? What value do they bring? (I take no credit for the things God has blessed me with. All that I have came from Him not me.) In saying that and allowing things to be revealed to me I find that more and more women are raising children by themselves and I see less couples running to the alter. Why is that? Is this an epidemic that the women are facing or are we allowing ourselves to believe there aren't any "good" men in our area?
I find that the older a woman gets her needs don't change. If you want to be a mother and you don't see a man in sight some women take the single approach and choose to have a child on their own because they have a want to mother a child. If a man comes along he does but if he doesn't it is what it is and. You are getting what you want out of life on your own. I personally don't believe there is anything wrong with this approach.

Now lets say you wait and wait and wait because you want to be married first before you have your first child and you are coming upon the end of your child bearing age what do you do? Do you stay and wait and settle for what comes your way or would you take the single woman approach?

I'm not saying that the single woman approach is the best to follow. Trust me there are many reasons why women choose or don't choose to be single like:
  • There aren't many "available" guys where they live.
  • There aren't many men that they are attracted to.
  • They have a long list of what they want in a man and wont accept anything less than what they want.
  • They have tried on-line dating and found that to be a bust.
  • Men aren't approaching them.
  • They work so much that they really aren't out to be seen.
  • Misc. reasons.
I say this to say that we know want we want and what we don't want. We have the option to wait or be proactive. There is nothing wrong with either approach. In my opinion I would rather stay single, raise my children and live my life that way. I personally don't want to entertain anyone at this time in my life and am comfortable with that. I have witnessed  that marriage isn't all that it is cracked up to be and everyone isn't meant to be a husband or wife. I truly believe that God will give us the desires of our hearts if we obey his word and follow his commands. We should be faithful to the one that sent us on earth to serve others. Sometimes you may serve others by yourself or you could share your serving with a help mate. It doesn't matter the way you serve as long as you know that women should start serving themselves as well.

This post is not bashing men, marriage, or the single life. This post is a first person reflection of how I personally see relationships and my thoughts about it.